llehcyar14

and i'm so numb now-
it doesn't matter.
everything can be happy & bright colors again
but i won't feel it.
ill just sit here
and be calm.
and you'll never have a clue.

i'm so far from where i started
i'm out of places to go. :-\

and i'm guessing..
the term normal is only relative
and, as usual, i'm slow on the up take--
this time everything isn't going to go back to being the same.
normal.

and all i want--is for it to be okay.
i want a new normal...
this grey area scares me
im waiting
please tell me this is only an "in-between" :-\

and i'm starting to guess
that the answers to my problems
aren't at the bottom of that bottle
or in my new pack of cigarettes
or in the next mark i make on myself.

i'd kill to know where they are.
the guessing game is wearing thin...

i couldnt even tell you it's just that--

everything just sucks. and it's like i get up everyday & i'm like okay..today might be better. maybe today. only it's not better, it's the same. so really then--it's worse cuz the days just build up & pile together. and every night i go to bed & think i can't take anymore...but i get up anyway. on the slighhhtt chance. and they just keep piling, and it keeps getting worse. and ----

and i wonder who i'm trying to kid
pretending im not in love with you.

you.killed.me
and it still wasn't worth it.

id almost say
i hope you die
but then you'd break my heart all over again.
ha--like i'd give you more of what you want.

take me back..please? :-\

Here.. let me hit my head against that wall a few more times.
tell me now, are you satisfied?
did you get the spectacle you wanted to see..?
let me show you
how messed up
someone so together can be.

I packaged up my heart..
Fed-Exed it off to you.
[ i never recieved a reply ]
im crossing my fingers..
it got lost in the mail.

If i had all the answers to all the questions, i wouldn't bother asking them.

things would be clearer, as clear as crystal..and everything else would just fall into place. make sense. and i wouldn't question everything around me...everyone. because what they fail to see appears as clear as glass to me--the evidence is marked in a solid trail. aquit? never. send them off to jail..

lock me up, throw away the key.
if only you knew...its where i am now anyway.
locked away, tucked away somewhere.
miss me? i do.

Right about now..
I want to find you.
Run up to you
Ask you what happened-
You said we were
Stronger then this.
Scream at you
Because love isn't enough.
Fall into your arms..
Crying
And have you kiss me
Until it's okay again
Until you tell me
We'll make it through
whatever happens next.
[and this time--you mean it.]
Only now..
I'm here.
Dying without you
Because I can't live with you.

Do it.
Go for it.
I dare you.
Push me closer to the edge..
Shove me off that bridge.
You'll only be helping me
reach my goal anyway.
At least.. maybe then
When I'm gone..
You can be the one feeling the
remorse instead.

i know...let's find a person.. who, at any given time, although usually when i am feeling my best.. will bring me down.. reduce my "level of happyness" to a zero...and,then make me feel guilty about the fact that i'm unhappy. not to mention make me feel completely..

oh wait..welcome to my life..

please, meet my mother.

i'm sick of all of it...just incase you needed to be reminded.

and im dying to kiss you right now. because the last memory of your lips on mine.. has made me go crazy.
...i absloutely love you.

...but what is the most strange, is this place i've ended up.
it's a place i'd only ever seen from the outside.. one i never expect to live in... it's the place of faded memories.. of people who've died.. who've stopped exisiting. everyone here is lonely, holding on to memories of what they had, or grasping onto dreams of what they never had.
its a strange place to live.. but.. it's where i've ended up.

and i could go on for ages.. fill you up with things no one knows..things no one cares to know.. everything else everyone else is too busy to notice...complain about the things wrong with my life...take years out of yours to fill it with volumes of mine..and, you could fill me up with the volumes of yours. and, we would be.. complete, as best a person can be complete...You would be them, as they would be you...Maybe that's the beauty of it.

Or.. think that the purpose of being with someone is that you dont know everything about them and everyday you can learn more about them...and slowly, but surely, you become filled up with one another, the parts of eachother that don't change.. leaving room for the parts that do.

*sigh* that's the dream at least.

and what he doesn't understand is how i live here.
in a place that doesn't exist..where everyone isn't even close to who they really are, fake smiles are common, and fake laughs ring in your ears. masks are worn, even when it's not halloween.

but what he doesn't know, is exactly what i see.
the truth is.. it's a barrier, and all you have to do..is break through.. to get everyone to break down. eventually the masks come off, and exposed.. is a group of people exactly like everyone else.

eventually you see.. this place does exist.

..and in my head, everything meshes together.

things flow, and in real life, they don't come out so clearly.

my eyes play tricks on me, highlighting exactly what i don't want to see. pointing out the bad..screaming it at me... making the things i want to change so badly scream out from inside. and what do i do? nothing. absloutely notta damn thing. and it's in this way, that i lose it. that i scare everyone around me, and i scare myself.. but they don't know that. no one does.

and what they don't know, hurts me even more.

i guess..more then anything, it's the random thoughts that get me.

so.. dun dun dun.. the big news of the week, i've fallen in love, for the second time in my entire life. and i know, that some people out there are going to say since this is my "second time" in love, that neither time was really love, and that i sound like a stupid teenage girl, which i am! thank you very much, and should just shut up. and, of course, the fact that i am a teenager will cause them to doubt my "so called love" even more, but you know what.. screw it. my journal, i'm gonna write about whatever the hell i wanna write about, thank you very much.

... i couldnt even tell you when it happened, or rather, when i realized it.. i think love isn't something that happens, more something that comes, that grows.. and slowly, you realize it, only to realize, you've felt this way for a while...that nothing's actually changed, you've only discovered a word to discribe the feeling, only to feel that a simple four letter word could never discribe it to begin with. the word love itself is much to short, simple, and plain to discribe the entire.. truckload of emotions that come with it. love isn't a feeling,it just..is. and that's all that could ever be said about it.

I honestly think I'm skisofranic, or however you spell it. It's like, underneith my spoiled, somewhat preppy exterior, is .. another person. Someone who knows exactly when to shut up and stop yelling at my parents. Who knows exactly what not to do to get in trouble.. I just never listen. I guess that makes me stubborn instead. I never take the balme for anything I do. Which is just flat out spoiled. And instead, blame it on everyone else around me.. and all that accomplishes is pushing them away and leaving me further and further alone. Sometimes, I wonder if subconsiously, I want to be alone. That after being surrounded by people my entire life.. I need it.

I'm just scared to death of it.

Everytime I think my mom and I are getting closer, I shove her away. Or she does something that one of my "friends" wouldn't do...and that pisses me off...which leads to me pushing her harder away. And thats all I want, I want to feel like she's at least trying to relate to me in some weird way. Instead, all I feel is her..just.. thinking what a problem child I am, and how much easier her life would be if she had one of my friends as a daughter...and all I think is how much easier my life would be if I had one of their mom's as my mother.

My dad's just kind of .. there. We've never been close. He never talks much.. like I said, he's just kind of there. And this pisses me off too.

And I know that the only reason all this pisses me off is becuase of where I live. The "people" I hang out with. They get whatever they want, and their parents think nothing of it. Mine DO, they dont think kids should be just handed things and then it's just....

Wow. I'm complaing because I don't get whatever I want. Told you I'm spoiled.

There are so many parts of myself I want to change, so many parts I hate.. I dont even know where to start.